What do you, as a grieving person, need?

EXTRA DOSES OF SMALL PLEASURES: walks in nature, favorite foods, naps, etc.

GOALS AND ROUTINE: For a while, when it feels like life is meaningless, having something to look forward to – small goals (dinner with a friend, a movie, a trip, a golf game) – to help you get through the day. Activities might seem less enjoyable than they used to but that changes with time. Allow yourself to do things at your own pace. Later, when you are ready, you can work on longer-range goals.

HOPE: Those who have experienced a loss similar to yours, can offer comfort, hope, empathy and reassurance that you will get through this loss; You will have hope that the pain and grief you feel now can become less raw as time passes.

KNOWING IT’S OK TO BACKSLIDE: The grief journey is like riding on a roller coaster or walking on a spiral staircase – time and time again you go from extreme despair, sadness, emptiness, guilt, and anger into a period of feeling positive or good only to find yourself back in those negative feelings again. But this journey does not take you back to square one – you are growing emotionally and intellectually each time you revisit an emotion. It’s OK to take in grief a little bit at a time.

RELAXATION: Nourishment of your body and soul through rest, exercise and diversion.

STRESS REDUCTION: Allow yourself to be close to the people you trust so you can get help and relief from financial (and other) stresses. Even helping someone else who is suffering the same loss as you can reduce your stress.

TIME: Time (months – and sometimes years) to talk with people you trust and who will listen and not judge, and time to be alone. Time to feel and understand those exhausting feelings of loss.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Treasures of Love

Going through your loved ones personal effects and keeping some of those items for yourself is an important ritual. When the time came for my family to choose which of Cindy’s items we would inherit, I hung onto the railing of Cindy’s deck and wept. All I wanted was Cindy back! I didn’t want any of her things. They wouldn’t bring her back. Possessions meant absolutely nothing to me then. I just didn’t care.

“If only I could see you alive, Cindy, and hug you just one more time. That’s all I want!” It was torturous for me to think I could replace Cindy by having her possessions.

Grief is rarely rational.

The idea wasn’t to replace Cindy; it was to cherish and remember her through her belongings. I wasn’t ready to know what I wanted but fortunately I had a family that insisted I take some things, which I eventually did, and those items became treasures. I’m so glad now that I have them.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Canada's Pickton Trial Horror

The Pickton trial started today and I find myself concerned for the families of the victims. To read how one couple left the courtroom sobbing, breaks my heart. Then when I saw the mother of one of the murdered women exclaim on TV how you can never be prepared for the gruesome details that are presented at trial, I thought how true that is.

When my sister, Cindy James, died and I saw the pictures of her decomposing body, I thought the photos were horrific and her death seemed unreal. Her face was black and her mouth was open with the teeth on the right side of her head exposed. In another photo, I saw her trussed body. I saw her naked and partially mummified body. The photos were so cold, so impersonal, and my heart was clutched in an icy grip and my brain went numb from grief.

Then when I read her autopsy report - that was worse. I thought I had been catapulted into Hell because the written words were chilling and gruesome and such a violation of my beloved sister.

But, in court, watching a police video of the death scene showing Cindy’s body from several angles as well as the abandoned house and the general area where she was found, and more video showing Cindy’s uncovered body lying on a gurney, on her stomach with her arms and legs still tied behind her and the stocking still around her neck while Dr. Sheila Carslile, an expert forensic pathologist in the Coroner’s Service in the Fraser Region of B.C. was talking on the video as she examined the ligatures during this post mortem, I was in shock. I wanted to escape that room and run and never look back, but as surely as my heart was bleeding from pain, I wanted an answer to her death, so I felt compelled to endure the horror. I listened to people talk about Cindy as if she was a body and not a real person, and many times I felt like screaming, “That is Cindy you are talking about—not Cindy James! She was more than just a name!”

So I empathize with the families of the victims who have to endure the horror of the gruesome details of a loved one's death and remains being broadcast in the courtroom as they sit in anguish, helpless, deep in despair and grief. It is absolutely horrifying!

Thank God counsellors have been made available to them! Even so, such an experience never leaves your heart - never leaves your soul!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

A Power Meditation to Free Your Pain!

I found an absolutely wonderful soul to help me in my healing journey (to help me let go of pain and come out on the other side where happiness waits) - her name is Melissa Hoffman, and she truly has the voice of an angel. She will knock your socks off!

We scheduled a time to talk (a consultation) after I had filled out a general questionnaire asking me to describe, with emotion, specific experiences in my life. Without rushing me or stressing me out, she coaxed valuable information from me that she used to create an amazing personalized power meditation to free my spirit and assist me in reaching the goals I believe I can achieve. As if that weren't enough, she gave me a personal affirmation to get me started and told me to allow myself to feel the happiness, the energy, and the empowerment of the great memories I had shared with her. And she had checked in with me from time to time to see how I was doing!

I can hardly wait to listen to my meditation again - I only got it this morning and was told to listen to it once a day, but I have to confess I've listened to it four times already! It is SO powerful and beautiful and gives me warm fuzzies all over. I love it!

Check out Melissa Hoffman at www.BringYourDreamsToLife.com
Be sure to click the Live Your Dreams audio
You'll be so happy you did!

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend -
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Special days can bring back agonizing memories.

You might be sailing through a good day (whether at work, at home, or at play) and all of a sudden get hit with a flood of emotions, or panic, because you realize you are approaching the anniversary date of your loved one's death. Or maybe his/her birthday is just around the corner. Or maybe you are dreading the holidays, fearing your heart will be gripped by sadness and your mind bombarded with agonizing memories of happier times. This is a normal response. And it can happen every year, for quite a while. This "anniversary response" can even be triggered by a sound, a smell, a sight, or a song.

But a bridge of memories can help span the distance between you and your beloved. And by recording precious memories (whether through writing letters of unspoken thoughts to your loved one, or journaling, or creating a poem or a song or a scrapbook or a photo album, or talking to someone about the person you miss) you are building a strength to sustain youself during the difficult periods. So think about what you can do for yourself to make the anniversary date easier to bear. Remember the times you laughed together so hard that you were brought to tears. Recall the fun you had. But do not feel guilty for being alive. Do not turn your back upon enjoyment. Enjoy it when you can. And grieve when it hurts.

We all do different things to help the anniversary pass. It's going to be tough. You can't help it. Get as much rest as you can and take one hour at a time. Try to do things with the people who recharge you and comfort you, or talk to people who can relate to what you are experiencing. Try to stick to your regular routine and get some exercise or fresh air if you can. Do something creative. And remember the strategies that helped you in the past when you were challenged.

What does it feel like to have to experience a special date without your loved one? I know there is alot you want to say. And I know it feels inadequate to not be able to talk to your loved one in person. Hold on to those precious memories you have. They are a gift that can never be taken away because they are carefully tucked into the recesses of your heart.

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend -
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Where are you? Are you OK? Are you Hurt?

I just found out that a friend's husband went missing a day and a half ago. An experienced rider, he went out for an evening bike ride in the wilderness and hasn't been seen since. I can empathize with the shock and distress the family is feeling right now, not knowing if he is hurt and unable to reach help, if he is lost - or worse. It is stunning news to be told your loved one is missing. It seems so unreal - a nightmare that blankets you with numbness and fills you with anxiety and panic, while catapulting you into a state of excruciating limbo. Time stops and life suddenly feels as if it is playing in slow motion. You don't want to believe this is happening and you feel helpless as you wait for news. Your brain is overwhelmed with constant thoughts of the missing person - you desperately want to know where they are and you hope and pray they are OK. You experience uncontrollable chills, shivering, shaking - and not from being cold. And you have trouble eating because food seems repulsive. And sleeping, well, that seems impossible.

It's OK to cry - you don't have to hide what you are feeling. And it's OK to talk about your feelings - find someone you trust who will listen when you need to talk.
This must be hard for you. I want you to know I'm here, and I want to listen. Take all the time you need.

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend -
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James