What do you, as a grieving person, need?

EXTRA DOSES OF SMALL PLEASURES: walks in nature, favorite foods, naps, etc.

GOALS AND ROUTINE: For a while, when it feels like life is meaningless, having something to look forward to – small goals (dinner with a friend, a movie, a trip, a golf game) – to help you get through the day. Activities might seem less enjoyable than they used to but that changes with time. Allow yourself to do things at your own pace. Later, when you are ready, you can work on longer-range goals.

HOPE: Those who have experienced a loss similar to yours, can offer comfort, hope, empathy and reassurance that you will get through this loss; You will have hope that the pain and grief you feel now can become less raw as time passes.

KNOWING IT’S OK TO BACKSLIDE: The grief journey is like riding on a roller coaster or walking on a spiral staircase – time and time again you go from extreme despair, sadness, emptiness, guilt, and anger into a period of feeling positive or good only to find yourself back in those negative feelings again. But this journey does not take you back to square one – you are growing emotionally and intellectually each time you revisit an emotion. It’s OK to take in grief a little bit at a time.

RELAXATION: Nourishment of your body and soul through rest, exercise and diversion.

STRESS REDUCTION: Allow yourself to be close to the people you trust so you can get help and relief from financial (and other) stresses. Even helping someone else who is suffering the same loss as you can reduce your stress.

TIME: Time (months – and sometimes years) to talk with people you trust and who will listen and not judge, and time to be alone. Time to feel and understand those exhausting feelings of loss.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Life Goes On

After my sister, Cindy, died, I was amazed that the rest of the world went on as usual. This immediate sense of isolation hit full force when, from the window of a limo en route to her funeral, I watched the world go by.

Before the limo picked us up for the funeral, some family pictures were taken. We all looked so morose. I sat in the back of the limo between my parents and held mom’s hand. Her hand was very warm whereas my own hand felt like ice. I looked at mom. She looked at me. She squeezed my hand. I felt like a zombie.

The limo driver was a young woman who took us along the waterfront around Richmond, B.C. Canada.

It was a long ride on a sunny day.

I looked out the window and watched the people, the trees, the water, the birds, everything go by.

Life was still carrying on out there.

Life was at a standstill for me.

I dreaded arriving at the funeral home, wondering what it would be like. I thought, “My God, we will be paying our respects to Cindy. She is dead. She must be. If everyone is acting this way and going to her funeral, then she must be dead.”

Oh God, I hadn’t wanted it to be true.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

What Is It To Grieve?

Just as our body goes through a healing process when it is injured, our mind enters into a healing process that allows itself to recover from the emotional injury of being traumatized. It is true that you lose a mirror for your heart when someone you love, dies! There is no “sure cure” in grief. Our grieving isn’t good and it isn’t bad, it just is! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t doing it right! There is no one correct way. There are no lists that you have to follow—no set course or specific schedule that will get you to “the end” at any specific time. In my grief journey I discovered that although the passage of time softened the pain a bit, it was what I was able to do with that time that mattered.

First, I had to give myself permission to feel whatever I was feeling and just be. A lot of mixed feelings and symptoms ebbed and flowed like the tide -- shock, numbness, disbelief, denial, restlessness, confusion, lonliness, anger, guilt, shame, frustration, fear, sadness, despair, and more. The music of Zamfir, the smell of lilac, wearing purple, eating strawberries (which my sister, Cindy, loved), and watching sisters together reminded me of Cindy and triggered spontaneous tears, as did the sight of beautiful gardens and other special activities and rituals. I created a shrine to Cindy with pictures of her and lit candles in her memory, I screamed into towels, I walked in nature, and for a while I wore the clothes I inherited from her and ran my fingers through the material before finally giving most of them away. And I needed to talk, and talk some more, about Cindy and her death and not feel guilty for that need. When I was still overwhelmed, I turned to journaling and sought out a counselor. I cried, I grieved, I looked inward, I examined the world around me, I asked questions, and I ultimately knew there were implications for our society.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Treasures of Love

Going through your loved ones personal effects and keeping some of those items for yourself is an important ritual. When the time came for my family to choose which of Cindy’s items we would inherit, I hung onto the railing of Cindy’s deck and wept. All I wanted was Cindy back! I didn’t want any of her things. They wouldn’t bring her back. Possessions meant absolutely nothing to me then. I just didn’t care.

“If only I could see you alive, Cindy, and hug you just one more time. That’s all I want!” It was torturous for me to think I could replace Cindy by having her possessions.

Grief is rarely rational.

The idea wasn’t to replace Cindy; it was to cherish and remember her through her belongings. I wasn’t ready to know what I wanted but fortunately I had a family that insisted I take some things, which I eventually did, and those items became treasures. I’m so glad now that I have them.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

To View The body Or Not

When my brother-in-law, Larry, died in a plane crash in 1973, his body was fragmented and in such a horrible state from the fire that his casket had to be closed and my sister, Marlene, never got to see him. Years later she told me how she had had such a difficult time facing the reality of his death because she never got to see his body. The only way he could be identified was by a letter from Marlene, which he had lovingly tucked in his breast pocket.

When my sister, Cindy, died, it was of utmost importance for Marlene and I to see the body—even though we knew it was decomposed. Just seeing and touching only the hand was enough to make the reality begin. It was by no means easy…

“God, it feels like I am in a dream as I walk into the viewing room. I cannot believe this is happening. I do not remember who is in the room first, but suddenly I am standing beside a table that has a white cloth over a petite body. Only the left hand is visible from below a wrist, so well wrapped and tightly bound in linen cloth that it is impossible to see any other part of her.

…

Ken [my youngest brother] is standing at the head of the body with his palms resting on the covered skull like he is blessing it.

…

Marlene is in the room somewhere and she is crying.

…

I see Roger [my middle brother] cup the hand attached to the body—I can’t yet comprehend that this is Cindy—in a gentle way and then bend down to kiss it. He says…

…

I take a deep breath and lift up the sheet. …”

Sometimes it is difficult or even impossible to see a body that is badly burned or damaged. You have to make the decision for yourself whether or not to see the body. I strongly urge you to weigh the options. You need to ask yourself, “What is the last visual image I want to have of my loved one?” It is a decision you will live with the rest of your life. Sometimes you are the one who needs to do a positive identification of the body and you have no choice of whether or not to view. As hard as it is to deal with, this too you shall survive.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Children and grief

I was twelve when my brother-in-law, Larry, died. I was not allowed to go to the funeral. He was like a brother to me and nobody talked to me very much about his death. For years I was haunted by a sense of unreality and yearning for him to “come home”. I still have the story about his death, which I started to write in middle school. Back then I desperately needed to make his death real. I tried so hard. My schoolwork suffered. I had dreams of him and all the while there was this sense that I was not allowed to talk about it. I was just a kid. While lying in bed at night I thought I could visualize his face floating in my room, keeping a loving eye on me, and thought maybe he was asking me to help comfort my sister.

Years later when I was a teenager and my maternal grandmother died, I made sure I went to her funeral and saw her in the open casket. I realize that when parents and guardians are also grieving, they try to do what is best for children but sometimes they forget that a child can suffer deeply too. That is a topic for another book but I bring it up here to make you aware that children have needs too.

Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Flights of Fancy

Many people who have shared their sorrows with me about their own losses of loved ones have told me how “lucky” I was to have a “meeting” with Cindy (see my previous Blog entry) and how they yearned to also have such an encounter with the person they lost in death. I’ve heard how other people, while struggling with grief, have experienced changes in sleep patterns—had nightmares, hallucinations, vivid dreams and daydreams. And because the yearning to be with the deceased is so strong, some people even try to contact the dead person through other means.

If you are having extended periods of insomnia or exaggerated searching behavior, you may need special attention. It is so important to know you have resources. Seek them out when you need them. You can go to Family Services, First Nations Health, your pastor or minister, a relative, a friend, your physician or Hospice (that’s where I went). Perhaps you can think of others.

Remember, caffeine and alcohol can play havoc with sleep patterns. And if you are on medication it should be one that doesn’t interfere with your REM sleep. Sedation medications can delay grief such that when they are discontinued, the grief will return and you may have less support around you because time has passed.

Be gentle with yourself—you are the best caretaker you have!

Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Where are you? Are you OK? Are you Hurt?

I just found out that a friend's husband went missing a day and a half ago. An experienced rider, he went out for an evening bike ride in the wilderness and hasn't been seen since. I can empathize with the shock and distress the family is feeling right now, not knowing if he is hurt and unable to reach help, if he is lost - or worse. It is stunning news to be told your loved one is missing. It seems so unreal - a nightmare that blankets you with numbness and fills you with anxiety and panic, while catapulting you into a state of excruciating limbo. Time stops and life suddenly feels as if it is playing in slow motion. You don't want to believe this is happening and you feel helpless as you wait for news. Your brain is overwhelmed with constant thoughts of the missing person - you desperately want to know where they are and you hope and pray they are OK. You experience uncontrollable chills, shivering, shaking - and not from being cold. And you have trouble eating because food seems repulsive. And sleeping, well, that seems impossible.

It's OK to cry - you don't have to hide what you are feeling. And it's OK to talk about your feelings - find someone you trust who will listen when you need to talk.
This must be hard for you. I want you to know I'm here, and I want to listen. Take all the time you need.

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend -
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James