Taking Action During a Fire

Recently a fire raged within the community I live in, and it was nerve wracking. I’ll never forget the sight as I rounded the corner at the bottom of my street early one evening and saw the fire on the hill behind my home (I had been out river fishing with my family). Trees were exploding and shooting fireballs into the air. As much as it was mesmerizing, I realized I needed to take action before the fire got closer. But for a few seconds I couldn’t think straight – couldn’t decide what items I needed to pack for evacuation because I didn’t know how much time I had.

In that brief snippet of time I realized it was photos, my children’s projects from school, and the haphazard homemade gifts they had crafted with love that had priority. (A lot of other items could easily be replaced.) Along with those items I grabbed my computer hard drive having my book, Who Killed My Sister, My Friend, plus the big storage bins containing all the paper files relating to Cindy’s death. And cherished mementoes given to me by others were also whisked away.

Fortunately the fire never came much closer, so three or four days later all the treasures returned. I'm so grateful the fire stayed at bay, but I keep thinking about how devastating it must have been for Cindy when, during her seven years of harassment, she lost many precious items in her house-fire of April 1986. Treasures of the past really hold special memories!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Cindy James on Canada's W-5

I recently received a copy of the 1991 W-5 coverage (a weekly public affairs TV program in Canada) about my sister’s case (the mysterious death of Cindy James), and viewed the segment for the first time ever. Even after having gone through the autopsy, toxicology and medical information and having read the police and medical reports and written the book Who Killed My Sister, My Friend — thinking I had now seen and heard and read just about everything to do with my sister’s death — I was brought to tears. I was now hearing Cindy’s shaky voice in a brief snippet of her interview with the police after her October 1988 assault, and it brought all the emotions flooding back—Why couldn’t I have helped her more? I just want to hug her once more, to touch her, and to tell her I love her. Oh, I miss her so much. And she has missed so much these past eighteen years.

Thanks Diana for sharing with me the beautiful book of memories your sister overseas made for you for your recent birthday. I know you were concerned it would be difficult for me to see the book knowing my sister was deceased and your sister was alive and able to share such precious remembrances with you. Her book is beautiful and it touched my soul and made me feel good about the relationship I had with Cindy—so thank you for sharing!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

What do you, as a grieving person, need?

EXTRA DOSES OF SMALL PLEASURES: walks in nature, favorite foods, naps, etc.

GOALS AND ROUTINE: For a while, when it feels like life is meaningless, having something to look forward to – small goals (dinner with a friend, a movie, a trip, a golf game) – to help you get through the day. Activities might seem less enjoyable than they used to but that changes with time. Allow yourself to do things at your own pace. Later, when you are ready, you can work on longer-range goals.

HOPE: Those who have experienced a loss similar to yours, can offer comfort, hope, empathy and reassurance that you will get through this loss; You will have hope that the pain and grief you feel now can become less raw as time passes.

KNOWING IT’S OK TO BACKSLIDE: The grief journey is like riding on a roller coaster or walking on a spiral staircase – time and time again you go from extreme despair, sadness, emptiness, guilt, and anger into a period of feeling positive or good only to find yourself back in those negative feelings again. But this journey does not take you back to square one – you are growing emotionally and intellectually each time you revisit an emotion. It’s OK to take in grief a little bit at a time.

RELAXATION: Nourishment of your body and soul through rest, exercise and diversion.

STRESS REDUCTION: Allow yourself to be close to the people you trust so you can get help and relief from financial (and other) stresses. Even helping someone else who is suffering the same loss as you can reduce your stress.

TIME: Time (months – and sometimes years) to talk with people you trust and who will listen and not judge, and time to be alone. Time to feel and understand those exhausting feelings of loss.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Princess Diana Remembered

Last night as I sat listening to Matt Lauer’s Dateline conversation with Diana’s sons, Princes William and Harry, I was impressed with their desire to celebrate Diana’s life and energy. They want to focus on what she brought to the world—not on any image that the press has given of her.

I remember the moment I found out…wow, almost tens years ago now…about Diana’s accident and death in August 1997. My own son had only been a few weeks old when Diana died and I recall feeling shock, disbelief, horror, and sadness. It was that sudden, unexpected loss that had ripped at my heart (just like when my sister, Cindy, died eight years earlier) – it didn’t matter that I hadn’t known Diana personally because I had cherished her, as did so many people around the world.

Lauer asked Princes William and Harry if they thought they would ever see a day when they won’t wonder what happened (in the tunnel) the day their mother died. Basically their answer was, “No.” And I understand that. I know I will always wonder, just as I will always wonder what really happened to my sister, Cindy James.

Thankfully the brothers had each other to rely on to deal with Diana’s death. And I understand that too. I know I could never have dealt with Cindy’s tragedy if I hadn’t had my sister, Marlene, beside me.

Thanks, Marlene, for all your support and love!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Paris Hilton is related to Cindy’s tragedy, how?

Now I don’t know about the following…seems very confusing to me…

A PI from the east coast of Canada contacted me recently and tried to draw a parallel between my sister, Cindy James, and Paris Hilton, because they both had breast implants and had been terrorized, he said. Life was a nightmare for them, he continued, (and this is where I get lost on the concept) because they had breast implants? Paris will be out of the penitentiary soon to face her terrorist -- one Sean Penn, according to this PI. (And this PI also says Paris had implants only after a terror campaign against her was in full swing.)

Well Cindy never went to jail, but she was harassed (but not because of the breast implants that she had six months before her terror began) by an unknown perpetrator and eventually had her life extinguished after enduring 7 years of hell.

I’m sorry, I just don’t see the connection!

By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Cindy…

You would have been 63 today!
Sis, I love you and I miss you!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Anniversary Forgotten

I was reading through chapter 3 (Finding Cindy’s Body) of my book, checking for an error before the formatting/layout is complete, and realized it has been eighteen years since Cindy’s death. When I glanced at the calendar I realized today is the 27^th, and she had disappeared on the 25^th of May in 1989. I was shocked to realize this is the first year since her disappearance that I have not been conscious of the date in relation to Cindy’s tragedy.

What was I doing two days ago that it had slipped my mind?

I had been fully engaged in living…had my hair cut…took my child to REP soccer practice…watched, along with my family, the spectacular fireworks that signaled the start of the yearly local festivities of May Days…and never realized Cindy had disappeared eighteen years ago.

Now it feels like those bursts of color in the air last Friday signaled a more significant event for me.

And I have tears in my eyes.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Life Goes On

After my sister, Cindy, died, I was amazed that the rest of the world went on as usual. This immediate sense of isolation hit full force when, from the window of a limo en route to her funeral, I watched the world go by.

Before the limo picked us up for the funeral, some family pictures were taken. We all looked so morose. I sat in the back of the limo between my parents and held mom’s hand. Her hand was very warm whereas my own hand felt like ice. I looked at mom. She looked at me. She squeezed my hand. I felt like a zombie.

The limo driver was a young woman who took us along the waterfront around Richmond, B.C. Canada.

It was a long ride on a sunny day.

I looked out the window and watched the people, the trees, the water, the birds, everything go by.

Life was still carrying on out there.

Life was at a standstill for me.

I dreaded arriving at the funeral home, wondering what it would be like. I thought, “My God, we will be paying our respects to Cindy. She is dead. She must be. If everyone is acting this way and going to her funeral, then she must be dead.”

Oh God, I hadn’t wanted it to be true.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

What Is It To Grieve?

Just as our body goes through a healing process when it is injured, our mind enters into a healing process that allows itself to recover from the emotional injury of being traumatized. It is true that you lose a mirror for your heart when someone you love, dies! There is no “sure cure” in grief. Our grieving isn’t good and it isn’t bad, it just is! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t doing it right! There is no one correct way. There are no lists that you have to follow—no set course or specific schedule that will get you to “the end” at any specific time. In my grief journey I discovered that although the passage of time softened the pain a bit, it was what I was able to do with that time that mattered.

First, I had to give myself permission to feel whatever I was feeling and just be. A lot of mixed feelings and symptoms ebbed and flowed like the tide -- shock, numbness, disbelief, denial, restlessness, confusion, lonliness, anger, guilt, shame, frustration, fear, sadness, despair, and more. The music of Zamfir, the smell of lilac, wearing purple, eating strawberries (which my sister, Cindy, loved), and watching sisters together reminded me of Cindy and triggered spontaneous tears, as did the sight of beautiful gardens and other special activities and rituals. I created a shrine to Cindy with pictures of her and lit candles in her memory, I screamed into towels, I walked in nature, and for a while I wore the clothes I inherited from her and ran my fingers through the material before finally giving most of them away. And I needed to talk, and talk some more, about Cindy and her death and not feel guilty for that need. When I was still overwhelmed, I turned to journaling and sought out a counselor. I cried, I grieved, I looked inward, I examined the world around me, I asked questions, and I ultimately knew there were implications for our society.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Treasures of Love

Going through your loved ones personal effects and keeping some of those items for yourself is an important ritual. When the time came for my family to choose which of Cindy’s items we would inherit, I hung onto the railing of Cindy’s deck and wept. All I wanted was Cindy back! I didn’t want any of her things. They wouldn’t bring her back. Possessions meant absolutely nothing to me then. I just didn’t care.

“If only I could see you alive, Cindy, and hug you just one more time. That’s all I want!” It was torturous for me to think I could replace Cindy by having her possessions.

Grief is rarely rational.

The idea wasn’t to replace Cindy; it was to cherish and remember her through her belongings. I wasn’t ready to know what I wanted but fortunately I had a family that insisted I take some things, which I eventually did, and those items became treasures. I’m so glad now that I have them.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

To View The body Or Not

When my brother-in-law, Larry, died in a plane crash in 1973, his body was fragmented and in such a horrible state from the fire that his casket had to be closed and my sister, Marlene, never got to see him. Years later she told me how she had had such a difficult time facing the reality of his death because she never got to see his body. The only way he could be identified was by a letter from Marlene, which he had lovingly tucked in his breast pocket.

When my sister, Cindy, died, it was of utmost importance for Marlene and I to see the body—even though we knew it was decomposed. Just seeing and touching only the hand was enough to make the reality begin. It was by no means easy…

“God, it feels like I am in a dream as I walk into the viewing room. I cannot believe this is happening. I do not remember who is in the room first, but suddenly I am standing beside a table that has a white cloth over a petite body. Only the left hand is visible from below a wrist, so well wrapped and tightly bound in linen cloth that it is impossible to see any other part of her.

…

Ken [my youngest brother] is standing at the head of the body with his palms resting on the covered skull like he is blessing it.

…

Marlene is in the room somewhere and she is crying.

…

I see Roger [my middle brother] cup the hand attached to the body—I can’t yet comprehend that this is Cindy—in a gentle way and then bend down to kiss it. He says…

…

I take a deep breath and lift up the sheet. …”

Sometimes it is difficult or even impossible to see a body that is badly burned or damaged. You have to make the decision for yourself whether or not to see the body. I strongly urge you to weigh the options. You need to ask yourself, “What is the last visual image I want to have of my loved one?” It is a decision you will live with the rest of your life. Sometimes you are the one who needs to do a positive identification of the body and you have no choice of whether or not to view. As hard as it is to deal with, this too you shall survive.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Children and grief

I was twelve when my brother-in-law, Larry, died. I was not allowed to go to the funeral. He was like a brother to me and nobody talked to me very much about his death. For years I was haunted by a sense of unreality and yearning for him to “come home”. I still have the story about his death, which I started to write in middle school. Back then I desperately needed to make his death real. I tried so hard. My schoolwork suffered. I had dreams of him and all the while there was this sense that I was not allowed to talk about it. I was just a kid. While lying in bed at night I thought I could visualize his face floating in my room, keeping a loving eye on me, and thought maybe he was asking me to help comfort my sister.

Years later when I was a teenager and my maternal grandmother died, I made sure I went to her funeral and saw her in the open casket. I realize that when parents and guardians are also grieving, they try to do what is best for children but sometimes they forget that a child can suffer deeply too. That is a topic for another book but I bring it up here to make you aware that children have needs too.

Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Flights of Fancy

Many people who have shared their sorrows with me about their own losses of loved ones have told me how “lucky” I was to have a “meeting” with Cindy (see my previous Blog entry) and how they yearned to also have such an encounter with the person they lost in death. I’ve heard how other people, while struggling with grief, have experienced changes in sleep patterns—had nightmares, hallucinations, vivid dreams and daydreams. And because the yearning to be with the deceased is so strong, some people even try to contact the dead person through other means.

If you are having extended periods of insomnia or exaggerated searching behavior, you may need special attention. It is so important to know you have resources. Seek them out when you need them. You can go to Family Services, First Nations Health, your pastor or minister, a relative, a friend, your physician or Hospice (that’s where I went). Perhaps you can think of others.

Remember, caffeine and alcohol can play havoc with sleep patterns. And if you are on medication it should be one that doesn’t interfere with your REM sleep. Sedation medications can delay grief such that when they are discontinued, the grief will return and you may have less support around you because time has passed.

Be gentle with yourself—you are the best caretaker you have!

Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

I knew I would be publishing Who Killed My Sister, My Friend one day, because of a dream...

...I am walking under a canopy of branches and heading down some stone steps that are cool to the touch, until I arrive upon a breathtaking beach. On this sweltering summer day I seem to have found my perfectly secluded spot.

Stepping onto the hot sand, I am mesmerized by the ocean's waves licking the shore. My tongue detects salt in the air. The magical pan flute of Zamfir tickles the hair in my ears. I hum along.

Looking far to my right, I see someone already soaking up my perfect day. She is reading a book while lying on a fuzzy purple beach towel large enough for two people.

She is alone.

There is something familiar about her and curiosity draws me closer.

It does not come as a surprise that it is my dead sister, Cindy. She looks radiant. She is so engrossed in a fascinating book that she does not take notice of me until I am right beside her. She calmly lays the book down, turns her eyes to me, and smiles an approving smile. As soon as I glance at the book I know immediately what I will do one day. The book she is reading is called My Sister, My Friend - and I, Melanie Hack, am its author.

She wants this story, this incredible mystery that was her life, shared.

And she wants me to write it. Realizing all stories without an end never go away, I understand the message veiled in her eyes. It relates to how she wrote on June 2, 1988, almost exactly one year prior to her body being found, "I feel a strong need for justice that I have to accept will never occur."

Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Did You Know Cindy James?

Imagine my surprise when I recently received an email from a young woman, now living in North Vancouver, who had been a Blenheim House client of my sister, Cindy James, three or four years before Cindy’s mysterious death in 1989. She said, “Cindy told me there were really bad people in this world and that it’s normal and ok to be scared (little did I really know at 4) but that you had to place your trust in someone, anyone. She was my someone. I would like to thank you and your family for raising a daughter and sister that was my safe place. We were close. She came to scatter my mom’s ashes. She was at my baptism. She gave me strength and hope. I could go on for hours. I miss her as everyone does. … I have spent many years going over news clippings from her murder. I am firm that that is what it truly was. Murder. Cindy was the only person I would trust. Cindy gave me the faith to trust. I would love to give it back.”

Does that sound like someone children needed to fear? Would it surprise you to know a secret C-237 RCMP report had stated in 1986, “Conversation with a (Force) psychologist, who does not know Makepeace [Cindy James] but was advised of Makepeace’s history [7 years of threats and harassment against Cindy], finds the following:

“Makepeace … should be considered as a dangerous person around children. … Further, it was suggested that, because she works with children with behavioral problems (Blenheim House), the school should be notified.” Within weeks, Cindy’s employment at Blenheim House was terminated. It is outrageous to think that someone who never even interviewed or spent any time with Cindy, could come up with such a belief and that the police would act on that opinion as if it were a fact.

And I believe that when Cindy lost her job, the course of her life took a downward turn. This was something she never recovered from. Her kids, her job, and her coworkers were her lifeboats in a world of turmoil. Years later I would discover Cindy wrote about losing them--within the hidden papers I found.

This young woman who recently contacted me, haunted by dreams of Cindy since she was 10, wrote in an e-mail to me, "My dreams, she is sitting in her office at Blenheim House and she's petting her black dog saying that she's scared of people too and that it's ok. She repeats this over and over. Others are when she visited my adopted parents house and she was pushing me on the swing in our yard. In this dream she is asking me how the air feels, almost begging me to tell her it's fresh and cool. I truly don't know the meaning behind these at all. As I have said, she haunts me. Or maybe I feel the need to help her the way she did for myself."

If you have any memories of Cindy, or any information about her life and death, please contact me.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Who knew there was an Unsolved Mysteries message board?

I had no idea so many people were still avidly debating the death of my sister, Cindy James. I was recently invited to post a message on the UM message board after someone wrote a note to me by gaining access through my website. It has been wonderful to receive so many messages from people all over the world passing on condolences and wishes to my family. I just want to say thank you, and I appreciate all the support that has been shown. I have spent several years meticulously pouring over police files and inquest notes looking for the missed information to solve this case. If you would like to be notified when the book is ready, drop by my website.
Thanks again for your support.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Canada's Pickton Trial Horror

The Pickton trial started today and I find myself concerned for the families of the victims. To read how one couple left the courtroom sobbing, breaks my heart. Then when I saw the mother of one of the murdered women exclaim on TV how you can never be prepared for the gruesome details that are presented at trial, I thought how true that is.

When my sister, Cindy James, died and I saw the pictures of her decomposing body, I thought the photos were horrific and her death seemed unreal. Her face was black and her mouth was open with the teeth on the right side of her head exposed. In another photo, I saw her trussed body. I saw her naked and partially mummified body. The photos were so cold, so impersonal, and my heart was clutched in an icy grip and my brain went numb from grief.

Then when I read her autopsy report - that was worse. I thought I had been catapulted into Hell because the written words were chilling and gruesome and such a violation of my beloved sister.

But, in court, watching a police video of the death scene showing Cindy’s body from several angles as well as the abandoned house and the general area where she was found, and more video showing Cindy’s uncovered body lying on a gurney, on her stomach with her arms and legs still tied behind her and the stocking still around her neck while Dr. Sheila Carslile, an expert forensic pathologist in the Coroner’s Service in the Fraser Region of B.C. was talking on the video as she examined the ligatures during this post mortem, I was in shock. I wanted to escape that room and run and never look back, but as surely as my heart was bleeding from pain, I wanted an answer to her death, so I felt compelled to endure the horror. I listened to people talk about Cindy as if she was a body and not a real person, and many times I felt like screaming, “That is Cindy you are talking about—not Cindy James! She was more than just a name!”

So I empathize with the families of the victims who have to endure the horror of the gruesome details of a loved one's death and remains being broadcast in the courtroom as they sit in anguish, helpless, deep in despair and grief. It is absolutely horrifying!

Thank God counsellors have been made available to them! Even so, such an experience never leaves your heart - never leaves your soul!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Special days can bring back agonizing memories.

You might be sailing through a good day (whether at work, at home, or at play) and all of a sudden get hit with a flood of emotions, or panic, because you realize you are approaching the anniversary date of your loved one's death. Or maybe his/her birthday is just around the corner. Or maybe you are dreading the holidays, fearing your heart will be gripped by sadness and your mind bombarded with agonizing memories of happier times. This is a normal response. And it can happen every year, for quite a while. This "anniversary response" can even be triggered by a sound, a smell, a sight, or a song.

But a bridge of memories can help span the distance between you and your beloved. And by recording precious memories (whether through writing letters of unspoken thoughts to your loved one, or journaling, or creating a poem or a song or a scrapbook or a photo album, or talking to someone about the person you miss) you are building a strength to sustain youself during the difficult periods. So think about what you can do for yourself to make the anniversary date easier to bear. Remember the times you laughed together so hard that you were brought to tears. Recall the fun you had. But do not feel guilty for being alive. Do not turn your back upon enjoyment. Enjoy it when you can. And grieve when it hurts.

We all do different things to help the anniversary pass. It's going to be tough. You can't help it. Get as much rest as you can and take one hour at a time. Try to do things with the people who recharge you and comfort you, or talk to people who can relate to what you are experiencing. Try to stick to your regular routine and get some exercise or fresh air if you can. Do something creative. And remember the strategies that helped you in the past when you were challenged.

What does it feel like to have to experience a special date without your loved one? I know there is alot you want to say. And I know it feels inadequate to not be able to talk to your loved one in person. Hold on to those precious memories you have. They are a gift that can never be taken away because they are carefully tucked into the recesses of your heart.

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend -
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Phoenix rising from a lock of hair!

After my sister’s death I felt I had lost a mirror for my heart and had wanted to keep connected to her. So for 17 years I cherished photos of Cindy James – and photos of us together – and kept special mementos and belongings. I even wore some of her clothes for a while because in wearing them I felt closer to her. And sometimes I revisited the clothes and ran my fingers through the material and smelled their familiar scent. This important ritual did wonders to soothe my tortured soul! (For me, even wearing Cindy’s favorite color, purple, allowed me to feel close to her.) Over time I was able to say goodbye to some things and let go.

Several years ago the police passed on to my parents the clothing Cindy wore on the day she died. When I found out dad had thrown it all away, I was devastated. He said the smell and the constant reminder of Cindy’s tragedy caused him to chuck it out. But I would have taken it all, just in case there was forensic evidence that could have been reevaluated in today's modern labs. Then I wondered if there was ANY evidence, like hair or fibers, left in the police files (which I found out were closed as “suicide” even though they were supposed to remain open because of the undetermined verdict at the inquest). In fact, was there anything left of Cindy, anywhere? We had cremated her so I assumed all vestiges of Cindy were now long gone. Well, I was wrong! – Before me is a three-inch-long lock of Cindy’s golden hair, sealed in a plastic bag, at the back of a photo album recently put together just for me. Someone who also loved Cindy mailed it to me. So here I sit with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I’m overwhelmed. I wasn’t expecting the hair to be there. So excuse me as I take the time to gently run my fingers over the hair, and slowly devour the album one photo at a time.

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend -
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Who Killed Cindy James?

I've spent the last two years trying to figure out what happened to my sister, Cindy James. She endured seven years of attacks and harassment from an unknown assailant before her tied-up body was discovered beside an abandoned house. I was devastated and confused, unable to understand what had happened to her, and just wanted her back (if only for a few minutes, I pleaded to the universe) But I found myself pulled along an incredible journey. Not only a journey of healing, but a quest for the truth in what happened to her. I was shocked when I uncovered secrets and hidden papers - information nobody had - and her story was examined at the longest and most expensive inquest in British Columbia history! So I decided to write a book and tell her tragic, true story, just like she wanted me to. You see, I had a dream...well that's another blog. So I'm sharing with you what I learned along the way - what Cindy wants you to know about her life and death - what she wants you to know about your life too - what society NEEDS to know!

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend -
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James