Taking Action During a Fire

Recently a fire raged within the community I live in, and it was nerve wracking. I’ll never forget the sight as I rounded the corner at the bottom of my street early one evening and saw the fire on the hill behind my home (I had been out river fishing with my family). Trees were exploding and shooting fireballs into the air. As much as it was mesmerizing, I realized I needed to take action before the fire got closer. But for a few seconds I couldn’t think straight – couldn’t decide what items I needed to pack for evacuation because I didn’t know how much time I had.

In that brief snippet of time I realized it was photos, my children’s projects from school, and the haphazard homemade gifts they had crafted with love that had priority. (A lot of other items could easily be replaced.) Along with those items I grabbed my computer hard drive having my book, Who Killed My Sister, My Friend, plus the big storage bins containing all the paper files relating to Cindy’s death. And cherished mementoes given to me by others were also whisked away.

Fortunately the fire never came much closer, so three or four days later all the treasures returned. I'm so grateful the fire stayed at bay, but I keep thinking about how devastating it must have been for Cindy when, during her seven years of harassment, she lost many precious items in her house-fire of April 1986. Treasures of the past really hold special memories!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

What do you, as a grieving person, need?

EXTRA DOSES OF SMALL PLEASURES: walks in nature, favorite foods, naps, etc.

GOALS AND ROUTINE: For a while, when it feels like life is meaningless, having something to look forward to – small goals (dinner with a friend, a movie, a trip, a golf game) – to help you get through the day. Activities might seem less enjoyable than they used to but that changes with time. Allow yourself to do things at your own pace. Later, when you are ready, you can work on longer-range goals.

HOPE: Those who have experienced a loss similar to yours, can offer comfort, hope, empathy and reassurance that you will get through this loss; You will have hope that the pain and grief you feel now can become less raw as time passes.

KNOWING IT’S OK TO BACKSLIDE: The grief journey is like riding on a roller coaster or walking on a spiral staircase – time and time again you go from extreme despair, sadness, emptiness, guilt, and anger into a period of feeling positive or good only to find yourself back in those negative feelings again. But this journey does not take you back to square one – you are growing emotionally and intellectually each time you revisit an emotion. It’s OK to take in grief a little bit at a time.

RELAXATION: Nourishment of your body and soul through rest, exercise and diversion.

STRESS REDUCTION: Allow yourself to be close to the people you trust so you can get help and relief from financial (and other) stresses. Even helping someone else who is suffering the same loss as you can reduce your stress.

TIME: Time (months – and sometimes years) to talk with people you trust and who will listen and not judge, and time to be alone. Time to feel and understand those exhausting feelings of loss.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James