Treasures of Love

Going through your loved ones personal effects and keeping some of those items for yourself is an important ritual. When the time came for my family to choose which of Cindy’s items we would inherit, I hung onto the railing of Cindy’s deck and wept. All I wanted was Cindy back! I didn’t want any of her things. They wouldn’t bring her back. Possessions meant absolutely nothing to me then. I just didn’t care.

“If only I could see you alive, Cindy, and hug you just one more time. That’s all I want!” It was torturous for me to think I could replace Cindy by having her possessions.

Grief is rarely rational.

The idea wasn’t to replace Cindy; it was to cherish and remember her through her belongings. I wasn’t ready to know what I wanted but fortunately I had a family that insisted I take some things, which I eventually did, and those items became treasures. I’m so glad now that I have them.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

To View The body Or Not

When my brother-in-law, Larry, died in a plane crash in 1973, his body was fragmented and in such a horrible state from the fire that his casket had to be closed and my sister, Marlene, never got to see him. Years later she told me how she had had such a difficult time facing the reality of his death because she never got to see his body. The only way he could be identified was by a letter from Marlene, which he had lovingly tucked in his breast pocket.

When my sister, Cindy, died, it was of utmost importance for Marlene and I to see the body—even though we knew it was decomposed. Just seeing and touching only the hand was enough to make the reality begin. It was by no means easy…

“God, it feels like I am in a dream as I walk into the viewing room. I cannot believe this is happening. I do not remember who is in the room first, but suddenly I am standing beside a table that has a white cloth over a petite body. Only the left hand is visible from below a wrist, so well wrapped and tightly bound in linen cloth that it is impossible to see any other part of her.

…

Ken [my youngest brother] is standing at the head of the body with his palms resting on the covered skull like he is blessing it.

…

Marlene is in the room somewhere and she is crying.

…

I see Roger [my middle brother] cup the hand attached to the body—I can’t yet comprehend that this is Cindy—in a gentle way and then bend down to kiss it. He says…

…

I take a deep breath and lift up the sheet. …”

Sometimes it is difficult or even impossible to see a body that is badly burned or damaged. You have to make the decision for yourself whether or not to see the body. I strongly urge you to weigh the options. You need to ask yourself, “What is the last visual image I want to have of my loved one?” It is a decision you will live with the rest of your life. Sometimes you are the one who needs to do a positive identification of the body and you have no choice of whether or not to view. As hard as it is to deal with, this too you shall survive.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Children and grief

I was twelve when my brother-in-law, Larry, died. I was not allowed to go to the funeral. He was like a brother to me and nobody talked to me very much about his death. For years I was haunted by a sense of unreality and yearning for him to “come home”. I still have the story about his death, which I started to write in middle school. Back then I desperately needed to make his death real. I tried so hard. My schoolwork suffered. I had dreams of him and all the while there was this sense that I was not allowed to talk about it. I was just a kid. While lying in bed at night I thought I could visualize his face floating in my room, keeping a loving eye on me, and thought maybe he was asking me to help comfort my sister.

Years later when I was a teenager and my maternal grandmother died, I made sure I went to her funeral and saw her in the open casket. I realize that when parents and guardians are also grieving, they try to do what is best for children but sometimes they forget that a child can suffer deeply too. That is a topic for another book but I bring it up here to make you aware that children have needs too.

Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Flights of Fancy

Many people who have shared their sorrows with me about their own losses of loved ones have told me how “lucky” I was to have a “meeting” with Cindy (see my previous Blog entry) and how they yearned to also have such an encounter with the person they lost in death. I’ve heard how other people, while struggling with grief, have experienced changes in sleep patterns—had nightmares, hallucinations, vivid dreams and daydreams. And because the yearning to be with the deceased is so strong, some people even try to contact the dead person through other means.

If you are having extended periods of insomnia or exaggerated searching behavior, you may need special attention. It is so important to know you have resources. Seek them out when you need them. You can go to Family Services, First Nations Health, your pastor or minister, a relative, a friend, your physician or Hospice (that’s where I went). Perhaps you can think of others.

Remember, caffeine and alcohol can play havoc with sleep patterns. And if you are on medication it should be one that doesn’t interfere with your REM sleep. Sedation medications can delay grief such that when they are discontinued, the grief will return and you may have less support around you because time has passed.

Be gentle with yourself—you are the best caretaker you have!

Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James