Cindy James on Canada's W-5

I recently received a copy of the 1991 W-5 coverage (a weekly public affairs TV program in Canada) about my sister’s case (the mysterious death of Cindy James), and viewed the segment for the first time ever. Even after having gone through the autopsy, toxicology and medical information and having read the police and medical reports and written the book Who Killed My Sister, My Friend — thinking I had now seen and heard and read just about everything to do with my sister’s death — I was brought to tears. I was now hearing Cindy’s shaky voice in a brief snippet of her interview with the police after her October 1988 assault, and it brought all the emotions flooding back—Why couldn’t I have helped her more? I just want to hug her once more, to touch her, and to tell her I love her. Oh, I miss her so much. And she has missed so much these past eighteen years.

Thanks Diana for sharing with me the beautiful book of memories your sister overseas made for you for your recent birthday. I know you were concerned it would be difficult for me to see the book knowing my sister was deceased and your sister was alive and able to share such precious remembrances with you. Her book is beautiful and it touched my soul and made me feel good about the relationship I had with Cindy—so thank you for sharing!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

What do you, as a grieving person, need?

EXTRA DOSES OF SMALL PLEASURES: walks in nature, favorite foods, naps, etc.

GOALS AND ROUTINE: For a while, when it feels like life is meaningless, having something to look forward to – small goals (dinner with a friend, a movie, a trip, a golf game) – to help you get through the day. Activities might seem less enjoyable than they used to but that changes with time. Allow yourself to do things at your own pace. Later, when you are ready, you can work on longer-range goals.

HOPE: Those who have experienced a loss similar to yours, can offer comfort, hope, empathy and reassurance that you will get through this loss; You will have hope that the pain and grief you feel now can become less raw as time passes.

KNOWING IT’S OK TO BACKSLIDE: The grief journey is like riding on a roller coaster or walking on a spiral staircase – time and time again you go from extreme despair, sadness, emptiness, guilt, and anger into a period of feeling positive or good only to find yourself back in those negative feelings again. But this journey does not take you back to square one – you are growing emotionally and intellectually each time you revisit an emotion. It’s OK to take in grief a little bit at a time.

RELAXATION: Nourishment of your body and soul through rest, exercise and diversion.

STRESS REDUCTION: Allow yourself to be close to the people you trust so you can get help and relief from financial (and other) stresses. Even helping someone else who is suffering the same loss as you can reduce your stress.

TIME: Time (months – and sometimes years) to talk with people you trust and who will listen and not judge, and time to be alone. Time to feel and understand those exhausting feelings of loss.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James