Anniversary Forgotten

I was reading through chapter 3 (Finding Cindy’s Body) of my book, checking for an error before the formatting/layout is complete, and realized it has been eighteen years since Cindy’s death. When I glanced at the calendar I realized today is the 27^th, and she had disappeared on the 25^th of May in 1989. I was shocked to realize this is the first year since her disappearance that I have not been conscious of the date in relation to Cindy’s tragedy.

What was I doing two days ago that it had slipped my mind?

I had been fully engaged in living…had my hair cut…took my child to REP soccer practice…watched, along with my family, the spectacular fireworks that signaled the start of the yearly local festivities of May Days…and never realized Cindy had disappeared eighteen years ago.

Now it feels like those bursts of color in the air last Friday signaled a more significant event for me.

And I have tears in my eyes.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

What to Say to the Bereaved

For some people it’s really hard to know what to say when they encounter a grieving person. You want to comfort and help, but feel anxious and stressed because you worry that what you say might produce more pain, so you avoid the bereaved. Here are some helpful hints on what to say:

“I’m sorry.”

“How are you doing with everything?”

“This must be difficult for you.”

“What can I do for you?”

“I’m here and I want to listen.”

“Take all the time you need.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Let’s go to dinner Thursday at 6pm. I’ll pick you up at 5:45. Does that sound OK?”

Avoid the following painful phrases:

“I know just how you feel.”

“It was God’s will.”

“She led a full life.”

“Be strong!”

“It was a blessing.”

“It happened for the best.”

“You are still young.”

“You can have another child.”

“Now it’s time for you to move on.”

“Call me if you need anything.” (Chances are the bereaved won’t call.)

"Do you want to go out to dinner on Thursday?" (Many people have trouble making decisions so it helps if you plan and then ask if it's OK.)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Life Goes On

After my sister, Cindy, died, I was amazed that the rest of the world went on as usual. This immediate sense of isolation hit full force when, from the window of a limo en route to her funeral, I watched the world go by.

Before the limo picked us up for the funeral, some family pictures were taken. We all looked so morose. I sat in the back of the limo between my parents and held mom’s hand. Her hand was very warm whereas my own hand felt like ice. I looked at mom. She looked at me. She squeezed my hand. I felt like a zombie.

The limo driver was a young woman who took us along the waterfront around Richmond, B.C. Canada.

It was a long ride on a sunny day.

I looked out the window and watched the people, the trees, the water, the birds, everything go by.

Life was still carrying on out there.

Life was at a standstill for me.

I dreaded arriving at the funeral home, wondering what it would be like. I thought, “My God, we will be paying our respects to Cindy. She is dead. She must be. If everyone is acting this way and going to her funeral, then she must be dead.”

Oh God, I hadn’t wanted it to be true.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James